do you believe in ghosts?

one of my most favorite topics to talk about is spirituality - god, the universe, theresa caputo, energy, angels - and any and all other hippy-dippy-loopy-doopy synonyms of said topic. 

what i love even more is bringing this topic up at family gatherings, dinner parties, and/or husband's work events. "do you believe in ghosts?" is generally my opener, followed by my personal experiences and revelations about life hereafter.

there is nothing that puts a dead stop to awkward AF small talk with your uncle's friend's daughter's boyfriend than telling him that you talk to dead people - except maybe sharing your sexual history, but that's weird, who does that?

from a young age i have been convinced of a power great than myself. i recall one particular night, laying in my bed and seeing the lights in my room flicker on and off. i ran downstairs and asked my mom if she thought it was my grandfather, whom passed away a year before i was born. what child - besides matilda - thinks of such things?!

i remember nights during my tumultuous teenage years, finding comfort in my late night prayers to someone above. i would lay there, eyes closed, tears streaming down my face, asking someone, somewhere that i couldn't see, hear, or touch, to carry me through a fight with a friend, the insecurity that comes along with being bullied, or the broken hearts that accompany young love. i was amazed how instantaneously my nerves were calmed and soon i'd fall asleep. days later i would feel as though weights were lifted off of my shoulders and it would always point back to my one-on-one with someone above. 

as i began to believe in the universe on this level, more and more experiences occurred to reinstate my beliefs. over the years, i've been given little gifts from what i can only assume are from my angels. what started off as just finding pennies in the most random of places, ended up becoming reassuring moments to know i am not alone - especially in the shittiest of times. for years i told my family that my grandfather comes to me in pennies. 'that's cute' they thought in their kinda-weirded-out-kinda-intrigued-kindaworriedaboutmymentalhealth-kinda way. 

but, as my wedding came near, i spent my nightly prayers talking to my deceased grandparents, asking themselves to make their presence known on my big day, despite my family's skepticism. on my wedding eve, i took a solo trip to the cemetery to have a heart to heart with my grandparents before the walk down the aisle. p.s. i swear that's not weird - where my italians at? 

culture break - find me an italian who hasn't visited the cemetery with their grandma, to pay their respects to uncle rocco or aunt bea. 

anyways, as i exited the car, i scoured every step for a penny - the parking lot, the walk to their mausoleum, and the floor underneath the wall that their caskets are housed. i was sad to say that what i always thought was our secret handshake as we communicated between dimensions, was nothing more than my hopeful optimism. i took a deep breath, accepted defeat, and began expressing my desire to have them stand with me on my wedding day. as the tears streamed down my face and the ping of missing them hit me in the pit of my stomach, i opened my eyes and staring me in the face, was a copper penny directly underneath their headstone that i was sure AF was not there before.  i literally lost.my.shit.

i had the penny on me as i walked down the aisle and now wear it in a rose gold necklace around my neck. it wasn't the first penny they've given me, and it wasn't the last. they've continued to make their presence known, often when i seek it the most. they've even gotten generous in their afterlife and have upped their gesture to a solid $20 when i'm particularly broke that week. 

and if you have the same perplexed, uncomfortable, looking for the bartender look on your face as most of my husband's coworkers do after i divulge my guilty pleasure of communicating with the passed on, that's totally kosher with me. 

truth is, none of us know any better than the other. but what i do know is that i will still talk to my angels, meet with spiritual teachers, take my mediumship workshops, make friends and family feel awkward AF, and share all the spooky deets with you here. 

welcome to the spirit diaries.