skinny girls on weight watchers

i'm a skinny girl. i've always been a skinny girl. when i was pregnant, and gave up all hope and desire to lift a weight or glute muscle - basically lifting anything that wasn't my hand to shove tacos, baked potatos, choc. and vanilla swirl ice cream with choc. sprinkles in my mouth - i still was, for all intents and purposes, a skinny girl. 

once baby e made her grand entrance into the world, i had assumed based on empirical evidence (ie. kourtney kardashian, chrissy teigen, blake lively, so on and so forth), that the 35 pound weight gain that came with her, would make its overdue exit. WRONG.

day four of post-labor, i was handing baby over to daddy and walking my jiggly ass into town and back, while counting every fitbit step and mile marker. by week two i was frantically texting my mama friends determined to find out the exact duration of time it took them to bounce back. i was stalking celebrity mamas on instagram and calculating the dates of their post-baby-bodyshot-'grams with the date of their child's birth and comparing it to mine.

i was green juicing, beyonce vegan diet cleansing, and crying a little bit on the inside. i just wanted my body back. 

now before you get all judgey and preachy with, "you JUST had a baby. you JUST created a miracle. people are starving in africa and donald trump is president-elect. must you BE so selfish?" let me stop you at trump. YES, i can be, i was, and i still am. and here's why.

i can only really compare it to having a really shitty fucking hangover. you know when you have a really shitty fucking hangover and all you want to do is LIVE AGAIN. like, i don't know, go for a walk, smell the roses, eat bacon egg and cheese on a roll and pass out without feeling like someone is taking a shovel to your skull? well, being pregnant was pretty much the same thing (including the involuntary vom-ing).

truthfully, i had a physically easy pregnancy, but even having it easy, my body no longer belonged to me.  no longer could i use my physical body to work through my emotional stressors, in the ways that i was accustomed to. typically, when shit gets real, i take a yoga class, hiit class, barre class, whatever class, followed by the bath + some vino to calm the residual nerves. typically, when shit gets real, i'll go for a run, while drake whispers sweet dirty nothings into my ears. typically, when shit gets real, i'll crawl up in a ball (on whichever side of the body i feel like it) and sleep it off.  when i was pregnant, my typical coping strategies were off limits.

disclaimer: there are totes those preggo women who continue their workout routines, drink their vino, and crawl up into whatever body position they feel won't kill them, and god bless them, but i was not one of them.

losing the weight was just as much about my physical appearance, as it was about reclaiming my space.

after ten months of sharing my body with this cute af little baby, i was more than ready to reclaim my space. losing the weight was not just a superficial task i was determined to accomplish (though that was definitely a factor), but a renewed commitment to taking care of myself and using my body in whatever the hell way i wanted to. it was the first time in ten months that my decisions, in regards to my body, were solely to make me feel good.

i wanted to run.

i wanted to brunch with my girlfriends in the middle of the afternoon and let one glass lead to four.

i wanted to to wear my goddamn skinny jeans and crop top that call for nipple pasties and double sided tape. 

and i'm okay with that.

going through this experience has given me such a deeper appreciation for my self love and self care. i took for granted how much i valued my early morning sweat sess's and late night date nights with pinot and noir and how good those were for my soul. i took for granted the confidence boost i got when i checked out my own ass and got a bit turned on inside.  and the challenge to get my body back has given me a renewed sense of self and purpose that has nothing to do with anyone else but me.

so, yes, i'm now on weight watchers to lose that extra 8 pounds. because looking good and feeling good feeds my soul just as much (well not quite as much) and sharing my body and giving birth to the cutest little mama in the world.